Welcome to the Roast

You left 16 points rotting on your bench with Xhaka’s 10 begging for a start. That’s not a bench, that’s a points graveyard while your starters barely matched your bench haul. Next time, maybe start the players who actually score.

You parked the defensive bus so hard you nearly snatched the title race lead despite Villa getting steamrolled. Five clean sheets and a Gabriel assist? That’s a flex in a week dominated by Haaland’s fireworks. Keep grinding that backline while the others chase captain chaos.

Your Minteh punt was the rare influencer move that actually paid off with 9 points and zero hits. While others flinched, you quietly gained 8 net points and left the content punts in the dust. Smart timing beats hype every time.

João Pedro’s 9 points at low ownership was your secret weapon in a sea of Haaland clones. You grabbed the differential glory while the herd chased the same tired picks. That’s how you sneak past the copycats.

Backing Crystal Palace was the vibe, but choosing Sarr over Lerma cost you a brutal 7-point swing. That’s influencer content over common sense and it stung hard this week. Next time, trust the cheaper option that actually hauls.

You matched the weekly high with 90 points and kept the title race tight behind Oscar. Captain Haaland doubled down with 26 points while Chelsea’s win over Spurs added the perfect cherry on top. Solid haul but don’t get comfy with that 5-point gap.

You’re leading the league with 639 points and a 5-point cushion, thanks to that Haaland captaincy magic. Arsenal’s clean sheet and win helped you flex while your rivals scramble. Keep riding that wave but remember, the title race is still a thriller.