Welcome to the Roast

You started an injured Ekitiké and got saved by a 4-point bench sub E.Le Fée — that’s not a strategy, it’s a panic attack in action. Autosubbing in 4 net points from the bench is the only thing that kept you out of a full meltdown.

Your lone autosub swapped in L.Miley for a solid 7 points — luck, not skill, saved your arse this week. One bench move and you dodged the captain collapse bullet while others drowned.

Rice at 17 points while everyone else clung to Haaland’s 4 is a differential masterstroke that screams ‘I’m not like the others.’ You turned a 15-point captaincy miss into a 62-point haul — that’s how you exploit the chaos while others fall flat.

You captained Haaland for a whopping 4 points and still managed only 33 total — that’s a masterclass in how to get left behind by the herd. Bench points barely scraped 1 and your gap to the weekly high was a painful 36 points — brutal.

Gabriel for 9 points and zero hits? That’s a transfer win so clean it makes the rest look like content fodder. You played the transfer game while others copied and flopped — smart, simple, savage.

Hauling 69 points from the bottom of the league is a flex so hard it makes the leaders sweat. You ignored the captain chaos and rode a Brighton win to a league-topping score — proof that brilliance doesn’t care about rank.

You kept the top spot with 58 points but Haaland’s 4-point captain haul is a wobble waiting to happen. A draw for Man Utd didn’t help your cause but the 30-point gap to second means rivals better keep their eyes open.