Welcome to the Roast

You played the transfer game like a pro, snagging Bruno Fernandes for a neat 10-point haul and zero hit cost. That 19-point net gain was the kind of move that makes the rest of the league look like they’re shopping in the clearance bin.

You went full contrarian with Cunha captaincy and got served a 2-point disaster while the herd feasted on Bruno’s 20. Meanwhile, your vice João Pedro was screaming for the armband with 9 points, but you were too busy chasing clout.

Brighton beat Man City but you still managed a league-low 31 points, thanks to captain Gibbs-White’s 4-point flop. Your bench was a shining light with 11 points left unused, proving you’re benching better than starting.

You backed the right team by bringing in Gakpo but picked the wrong man over Szoboszlai, missing out on a 10-point swing. Next time, try to copy the herd’s smarter moves instead of playing the lone wolf with your transfers.

You left Dewsbury-Hall’s 12 points rotting on the bench while your starters barely scraped 42. Bench fail alert: your bench outscored your starting midfield star captain by 10 points and you still didn’t switch.

At least you nailed Muñoz as a differential, scooping 9 points from a low-ownership pick. Too bad your captain choice wiped out any glory from that hero move.

Your autosub swapped in Dewsbury-Hall for 12 points and saved your week from total collapse. Sometimes luck beats strategy, and your bench bail-out was the difference between a haul and a horror show.

You hauled 64 points without chips, proving you can win games even when your favorite Aston Villa got thrashed 0-3. No green arrow streak yet, but this score keeps you lurking just behind the leaders.

You’re top dog with 171 points and a comfy 11-point gap, but don’t get too cocky with Arsenal losing 0-1. Your 74-point week was clinical, but the title race still smells like chaos brewing under the surface.