Welcome to the Roast

You left 15 bench points sitting there like spare change in a sofa you never clean. Gvardiol put up 11 and your starters still made 103, which is a lovely way to prove your bench was basically decorative. That was not depth. That was a museum exhibit.

Chip Funeral belongs to FPL Raptor — Wildcard landed 73 — 73 vs 90 league average.

You held Cherki for nine days, then dumped him for Rogers and called it strategy. Cherki gave you 1, Rogers gave you 8, and the whole thing still smells like a transfer you made because the deadline timer scared you. One-night stand is generous. This was a rushed fling with a better exit clause.

You punted on Gibbs-White and got 8, which is fine until you remember this game rewards bravery, not just surviving your own spreadsheet. It worked, but only because the rest of the league was busy setting fire to their armbands. A clean hit is still a hit. Don’t get cocky, you nearly bought a lecture instead of points.

You sold Rodon for Muharemović and banked 7 from the move, which is tidy enough to look clever in a group chat. Then Bogle turned up with 15 and made your “masterstroke” look like a decent guess wearing a fake moustache. You won the transfer. You still lost the bragging rights.

You hit 105 and still had the nerve to leave 7 on the bench. That is not a flex, that is a warning label. Triple captain did the heavy lifting, but Palmer still had to save you from your own indecision.

You stayed top with 341 and a 5-point cushion, which is what happens when your wildcard stops acting like a hostage note. The rest of the league can shout, but you’re still the one holding the receipt. Keep the crown polished. Everyone else is still trying to work out which button they pressed.